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We’ve all heard should woulda coulda and different expressions like that. Shoulds and coulds can be how we frame the world to set our own expectations. It also makes me think of the original parent trap movie where the actress Haley mills repeats over and over again to help her learn the sister’s accent, can’t shan’t aunt. Anyway…
Time and time again we think to ourselves things like...
"I must do a great job on this project."
"I must score a goal."
"I must get an A on this test."
"S/he (significant other, friend, coworker) should listen to my advice."
"S/he shouldn't keep doing that."
"He (your child) must listen to my directions the first time."
"She (your child) shouldn't disrespect me in front of others." (think about the grocery store)
"He (your boss) should give me the raise I deserve."
Whenever we tell ourselves things like this we leave ZERO room for any other possible outcome. This type of thought is extremely rigid and inflexible. The reality....we can not control the world around us, we can only chose how we want to respond to it. Using words like "should", "must", "have to", or "need to" creates a demand and makes the situation a matter of black and white or success and failure.
I see patterns like this time and time again with countless clients. There is no discrimination, as it affects young and old, male and female. The negative patterns of demands result in people getting stuck in negative thinking loops that chip away at someone's self-esteem after "failing" over and over or building up someone's stress and anxiety over "having to" do something every time. All of these things lead to stress and can permeate an individual's life in various ways affecting work, school, family, relationships, athletics and more.
The key is to first identify these demands and build up an increased awareness of what we say and how often we say it. Write them down. Keep a journal of them. .
Next comes replacing our ‘demand’ language with ‘preferences’. Preferences are characterized by using words and phrases like, “I prefer”, “I would like”, “It is important” and “It is time". It isn’t about changing the destination or end goal it is about maintaining a level of flexibility in the route you take to get there. Let’s revisit some demands and see how they can quickly become preferences.
· It is important that I get this completed on time.
· I would like he/she to be open to hearing my side of things.
· It is time for me to put some work into my physical health.
Contrast the benefit of those statements to these detrimental beliefs
I must get this project completed on time or else.
He/She needs to listen to me and stop ignoring me.
I have to get a workout in today.
Again, preferences are NOT about turning soft and surrendering the outcome to whichever way the wind blows. It is about accepting the reality that we can’t control others nor every situation or outcome. Yes, we can influence them BUT we can not control. This shift in mindset can mean the difference between feeling over stressed at home or work and feeling peace. Tweaking your approach including our thought, mindset, methodology, and more can make all the difference!
Some of us, in my world that’s primarily me, we tend to convince ourselves of an alternate reality to justify our own reality that we try to create. When there are so many realities who could possibly be aligned with the one average reality of the sum of all realities out there?! My life’s training says success is going from one failure to the next without losing enthusiasm. Failing forward as john maxwell says! SO then we get to assess what is our measure of success??? Clayton M Christensen has a fantastic book titled How Will You Measure Your Life So identify what your own success measures are for your own life. I have found both of those authors fantastic and both books extremely influential for me. Have a great journey!
We’ve all heard should woulda coulda and different expressions like that. Shoulds and coulds can be how we frame the world to set our own expectations. It also makes me think of the original parent trap movie where the actress Haley mills repeats over and over again to help her learn the sister’s accent, can’t shan’t aunt. Anyway…
Time and time again we think to ourselves things like...
"I must do a great job on this project."
"I must score a goal."
"I must get an A on this test."
"S/he (significant other, friend, coworker) should listen to my advice."
"S/he shouldn't keep doing that."
"He (your child) must listen to my directions the first time."
"She (your child) shouldn't disrespect me in front of others." (think about the grocery store)
"He (your boss) should give me the raise I deserve."
Whenever we tell ourselves things like this we leave ZERO room for any other possible outcome. This type of thought is extremely rigid and inflexible. The reality....we can not control the world around us, we can only chose how we want to respond to it. Using words like "should", "must", "have to", or "need to" creates a demand and makes the situation a matter of black and white or success and failure.
I see patterns like this time and time again with countless clients. There is no discrimination, as it affects young and old, male and female. The negative patterns of demands result in people getting stuck in negative thinking loops that chip away at someone's self-esteem after "failing" over and over or building up someone's stress and anxiety over "having to" do something every time. All of these things lead to stress and can permeate an individual's life in various ways affecting work, school, family, relationships, athletics and more.
The key is to first identify these demands and build up an increased awareness of what we say and how often we say it. Write them down. Keep a journal of them. .
Next comes replacing our ‘demand’ language with ‘preferences’. Preferences are characterized by using words and phrases like, “I prefer”, “I would like”, “It is important” and “It is time". It isn’t about changing the destination or end goal it is about maintaining a level of flexibility in the route you take to get there. Let’s revisit some demands and see how they can quickly become preferences.
· It is important that I get this completed on time.
· I would like he/she to be open to hearing my side of things.
· It is time for me to put some work into my physical health.
Contrast the benefit of those statements to these detrimental beliefs
I must get this project completed on time or else.
He/She needs to listen to me and stop ignoring me.
I have to get a workout in today.
Again, preferences are NOT about turning soft and surrendering the outcome to whichever way the wind blows. It is about accepting the reality that we can’t control others nor every situation or outcome. Yes, we can influence them BUT we can not control. This shift in mindset can mean the difference between feeling over stressed at home or work and feeling peace. Tweaking your approach including our thought, mindset, methodology, and more can make all the difference!
Some of us, in my world that’s primarily me, we tend to convince ourselves of an alternate reality to justify our own reality that we try to create. When there are so many realities who could possibly be aligned with the one average reality of the sum of all realities out there?! My life’s training says success is going from one failure to the next without losing enthusiasm. Failing forward as john maxwell says! SO then we get to assess what is our measure of success??? Clayton M Christensen has a fantastic book titled How Will You Measure Your Life So identify what your own success measures are for your own life. I have found both of those authors fantastic and both books extremely influential for me. Have a great journey!
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